Pain is Tangible

I don't need sympathy.
I don't need to hear how sorry people are or how "unfortunately" the pain will never stop. Believe me, I'm aware of that...

I just need an outlet, and unfortunately, that was mom. So now I'm lost and this blog will be my stand in. 

Last night I had a dream, more so, a nightmare.
I walked into a familiar place, all seeming so real, and there she was. Lounging in a chair, talking to an unseen being. She was in her beautiful mint green dress, that she wore in my wedding, and looked happy and healthy as ever.

As soon as I saw her, I was overcome with pure despair; It was in that moment that I knew I was dreaming.  Instantly, my knees buckled and the loss ripped through me with unbelievable power. My dream world spun around as I dropped, my tears stung as I wept and I gasped for air trying with all my might to cry out for Mom. I managed to find the strength to crawl to her and suddenly a glass door stopped me; I couldn't get to her. I started pounding on the door, crying out for her and as if it were slow motion she turned to me and smiled. I cried out, "I miss you, I miss you, I miss you..." over and over with no response, just a warm smile. I pulled out my phone to call her and before I hit dial, I awoke.

I literally can't describe how tangible this pain is. Waking everyday to remember she's gone is like salt in a wound but waking after a dream like that is worse. My mom was my best friend, not in the way that people warn against, but in the perfect balance of friend and mom. She was my confidante, my motivation, my drinking pal, and the person I looked up to most.

I hate showing my pain. I hate complaining about my problems, I know it can always be worse. I know almost everyone loses a parent; Many people have lost someone to cancer and many people know my pain. But that doesn't make it hurt less. It doesn't make it ok that this is a fact of life.

I promised her over and over that we would be ok without her and we are. But just that, OK; not good, not great, not even better. Just ok.

How do you move forward after such an impactful blow? I just don't know....

Dear Mom....

Dear Mom,

Today was your memorial; although, if what they say is true, you already knew that.

Yet, let's say for the sake of healing that you didn't know. Let's say that you are in some miraculous other world having moved on from this painful one. Let's say that you didn't have to see the pain on our faces, feel the sorrow in our hearts, and hear the stifled sobs from those in attendance. Also, for my selfish means and delusional hopes that this letter can reach you in some way or another.

In regards to mother's, there are so many cheesy quotes and quips about the wisdom they bestow upon their children. One that stood out loud and clear to me today was the saying that, 'Mom is always right'. Yet, Mom, I'm sorry to say that it stood out because it's not true....
You were always so adamant that you weren't the glue to the family; that you weren't as wonderful as we made you sound. However, I can tell you with utmost certainty that you were wrong. If you had been there today you would have been astounded by the number of people that came out of the woodwork to pay their respects. As humble as you tried to be, you made a huge impact on so many people. Every room was full, standing room only by the end and they were all there to remember you. All those people were there because of how amazing you were, like it or not.

Since you passed, the past five days have been surreal. Like the ocean you and I love so much, the reality has hit me in waves. Some of the moments strong and painful, but enough for me to calmly stand against and work through until they ebb. However, even in the few days since we lost you, I have been struck by waves much stronger than my will to stand strong. The sorrow rips through me like the tide and drags me under while I gasp for air, reaching out for anything to grab onto to pull me out from it's powerful current. This.

This is where the family you helped glue together has been my life vest. Mom, I know you were adamant that you were not the glue to the family because to you that meant that we would all fall apart without you. But that's not how it is, you'd be happy to know even now that you are gone, this glue holds strong. You held all of us together for so long that we melded together. While losing you is a stress on us, I can assure you that we will still stick together. You taught us, all those years, how important it is to be there for each other. You taught us to love each other, even when we hated each other. I could go on and on but I think you get the gist. We have been and will be there for each other in for the rest of our lives as you were for yours. We will act as a life vest for each other and while there may be moments we are all drug out in the riptide of pain and loss, we will work together to swim back from it all.

You may have been right about 99% of the lessons you taught me but in these few ways, you were wrong. And for that, I am so greatful. I miss you with all that I am but in these past few days and especially today, I saw how wonderful you were to so many other people. You touched us all in your own strong, beautiful way and none of us will ever forget you.

 I dream of you each night hopeful that you are happy and strong as ever in your new wonderful world. I hope you are swimming with dolphins and jumping out of planes, exploring new places and spending time with all the others that passed before you. We will be okay, I promise. You spent your whole life, until your very last days, worrying about us; so please, try something new. Enjoy your time, enjoy your cancer free life, and make room because before you know it, we will be driving you crazy again.

I love you Mama, always have, always will.
Until I see you again. ♡♥♡

One Ingredient Fruit Roll-ups

Strawberries!

I went through this phase a couple months ago where I couldn't get enough strawberries. I had a few with every meal and they were my go-to snack. Sprouts had a sale on them at this time (thank goodness) and we bought four Clam-shells of them. Well, two Clam-shells later, my phase died away and the strawberries remained. So as not to waste them, I shoved those puppies in the freezer for another day. 

Fruit Leather!

Am I the only one who was obsessed with fruit roll-ups or fruit leather as a kid? I loved how chewy they were and of course the sugar rush was a bonus. Today I was feeling nostalgic and really craving those childhood treats. However, being a shame filled adult I knew it wouldn't be the most nutritious option. Yet, it's 2017, what a time to be alive! We have the power of Pinterest and I took to it's depths to research healthy fruit roll ups. I finally came across this recipe  for fruit leather and remembering my stash of berries decided to give it shot (with some minor adjustments). 

From Rocks to Leather...

On the site I found on Pinterest, Sarah used fresh strawberries and sugar. Trying to cut sugar out of my diet, I only had the strawberries on hand and decided to just use those as my one and only ingredient. I also used frozen strawberries instead and it made the experience a loud but fun one. Try it out yourself and let me know how it worked for you!!

Ingredient:

1 Clam-shell of Strawberries (fresh or frozen)

What to Do:

1. Turn your oven to the lowest setting. (My oven went as low as 170℉, some go to 150℉)

2. Make sure you take the leaves off your strawberries and put them into the food processor. 

3. Blend up your berries until you have a beautiful pink sorbet-like mixture.

Doesn't that look good enough to scoop right into a bowl? Yum!

4. Pour the mixture out onto a sheet pan with a silicone mat (if you don't have a mat, just use parchment paper; but make sure it's lined with something). 

Just a little free advertising for Artisan Metal Works' silicone mats, LOVE this thing!

 5. Get out a handy dandy rubber spatula (a spoon works just as well too if you use the back of it) and begin spreading the mixture into an even layer in your lined baking pan. 

This smells like heaven, I debated at this point at just eating it as is!

6. Once you have a smooth, even layer place your berry mush into your pre-heated oven and forget it for 6-8 hours (6 hours at 170℉ or 8 hours at 150℉). This is the best part unless you are like me and want the instant gratification of your home-made fruit leather but your patience will be worth it!

7. When the timer is up, pull out your pan and make sure your fruit is dried enough so that there isn't still a wet goop in the middle. The outer edges will look slightly darker than the rest of your leather but you can just break them off and much while you prepare your strips (they are delicious)! Let pan cool to room temperature, this won't take long. 

Tasty leather sheet....sounds weird, smells and tastes amazing!

 8. Take out a paring knife and cut your mixture into even strips. If you used parchment paper, you can use that as your roll-up/leather backing and just roll em up! If you used a silicone sheet like mine, just pull your strips off and gently roll them up and voila! They are ready to enjoy or you can put them  in a sandwich bag for later enjoyment with your lunches, kid's lunches, or tasty nutritious snacks!

Beautiful and tasty!!

Give these a shot, they were easy to make and obviously taste great, try them with other berries and let me know what you think!

Valerie's Run and The Beauty of Colorado

 It's been about two and a half, maybe three years since my mom (Valerie) was diagnosed; metastatic melanoma. I could go on and on about the roller coaster of pain and hope that accompanies a loved one with a cancer diagnosis but I won't. At least not yet. That's not what this is about.

Less than a year ago, Mom shocked us all by buying a motorcycle; months after she had caved and let my dad get one (also shocking). She was so excited to get out and ride yet this lovely disease reared it's ugly head. 
She hasn't been able to ride much and has been lonely and wanting the freedom of the ride. Enter Billy and the amazing friends and family who rallied together and came up with Valerie's Run.

These amazing people all met up on motorcycles and rented a trike for Mom and Dad to ride. When I pulled into the lot and saw all these bikes lined up for Mom, I was overcome with awe. Seeing these people take an interest in riding along with the family and affording Mom an escape from the disease was beautiful. 

The horde of bikers and myself (following closely in the escort car) rode through the beautiful mountains of Golden and Boulder here in Colorado. Let me tell you...I have lived here my whole life and I was still amazed by the beauty of the scenery. 

I have always fancied myself more of an ocean girl, I am my happiest when I can smell the ocean and hear the waves. However, I have always lived here and most of my time jaded by the mountain scenery. Yet, when I take the time to venture into the silly giant rocks, I am taken aback by the beauty. Those trees towering above us and growing strong between the rocks are amazing. 

When you enter this state you are greeted by a old wooden sign that welcomes to you 'Colorful Colorado'. I always thought it was silly because I don't often notice the colors that this state has to offer. But look at those trees, so many shades of green cutting into the endless blue sky. It's gorgeous. I guess I can learn to accept the beauty more often. 😜

There is beauty all around us. This state is beautiful, my mom is beautiful (look at her smile after the ride ♡), the love and support from others is beautiful and for the most part....this life is beautiful. 

Beautiful in it's own crazy way. 

♡♡♡